Saturday, November 16, 2013

It's Just South of Schnauzerville


It's me, Winston J. Schmidt.

I've been keeping pretty busy with this new thing I wanna talk to you guys about. It's pretty exciting. Suzanne and Mr. Wolf went out of town a few weeks ago, and I got to go to this really awesome place and hang out for a couple of days. There were other dogs, and all kinds of smells, and you'll never guess what happened next.

They made me the Mayor of Chihuahua Town.

First, I tried out for the office assistant position, and I thought I did a pretty good job of it, because I didn't eat any of the office supplies, but they said that I was there to have social time with other dogs, not be an office assistant.

I make friends wherever I go, but I wasn't expecting to be this popular. The nice lady put me in with the huskies and shepherds, and I hung out with them for a bit, but then I thought, "Hey, you know what? Other dogs might like to get in on the Winston action, and I could use a break."

The fences at the most exciting place on Earth are kinda low (standard dog park height, and this is why we don't go to dog parks - ed.), so I hopped over them until I found a bunch of guys who were more my speed, and we hung out. When the nice lady came looking for me, she found me with a couple of mini schnauzers, a Pomeranian, a dog that looked kinda like my favorite fleece toy, and some chihuahuas. They ran around me and barked, which I didn't used to like, but then I figured it was O.K. because we were all having so much fun. It was the coolest.

The nice lady tried to put me back with the big dogs, but I kept jumping, so she finally gave up.

When Suzanne and Mr. Wolf came to get me, I jumped over another fence and ran to the door to greet them. I told them all about the other dogs, and how much fun I had there, and then I climbed into the back seat and fell asleep for two days, because, you know, a guy gets tired. Being the Mayor of Chihuahua Town is exhausting.

In conclusion, I really like that place, and I hope I get to go back there more, because they need a guy like me to keep things lively.


Winston J. ‘Bug’ Schmidt

Friday, November 15, 2013


"My skirt looks short because I have long shins," I'd said, and now, water rising around me, I laughed as I remembered her disapproving scowl.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Also Known As

I used to wish I had a different name. I'd pick a friend's name and pretend it was mine, testing out being a Jill or a Michelle. I'd say my own name repeatedly, until the sounds didn't make sense anymore and it sounded strange. I don't know who I thought should be a Suzanne, but it wasn't me. 

I've had people try to modify it, especially recently. Red calls me Suz, which I'm surprised that I like. Jeri's older son called me Zanne before he could say my full name. I'm trying to get the twins used to it, so that they'll use it when they start talking. 

At Starbucks, Black Bart always gives his name as Rocco. It's nowhere near his real name. The clerks get it wrong most of the time. 

"It doesn't have a K!"

"It's not your real name. Why do you care?"

"Who spells Rocco with a K?!?"

I tried out Audrey for a few weeks, but couldn't keep up the charade. "With an E?" they'd ask. Not quick enough to lie effectively, I'd say, "No, no E." Audry. Who spells it like that? I went back to my own name,but the barista at my morning Starbucks was too embarrassed to admit that she didn't know it without being prompted. 

So I got this. 

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Yes, I STILL Knit

"The only thing I can see us disagreeing about is that I'm an aggressive minimalist," he said.

"I kind of am, too. I mean, I don't have stuff falling out of closets, or five storage units that I'm not telling you about, or anything. But...I have a lot of yarn. And I don't knit very much anymore, because I spend a lot of time hanging out with you and talking, and it seems kind of rude to knit instead of looking at you. And, well, I have a LOT of yarn."

"How much is 'a lot'?"


I should get back into knitting. This little hat is the only project I've completed this year.

Monday, November 04, 2013

The Metro


"Uh huh?"




"Oh my God, what?"

"I need a Manhattan. Mr. Wolf just said that he wants to go out with me, and I think I want to go out with him, and we were just at Metro, and that's why you couldn't go, because he wanted to tell me, and you couldn't go anyway because of the babbies, but anyway, you weren't there, so it was just us, and he said that he'd always--"

"Drink this."

Gulp. "--always had a thing for me, but - that was delicious, thanks - BUT we'd always been with other people, and now we're not, but he's moving to Las Vegas in, like, two weeks, so I'm going to have to figure out how to fit bi-weekly flights from Oakland into my budget, and I had to drive right over here and tell you, because holy SHIT."


"Mister. Wolf. Wants. To. Date. ME."

"Now I need a drink."

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Battery Drain

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Dude! You just got Rijned!

 photo cf513c2d9fc0291fce5b98cbefa81228.jpg
"You got two Vermeers and a Frans Hals! Why is that only worth 45 cents?" said nobody on a gaming floor, ever.

"See, babe, what makes that funny is that Rembrandt died destitute, and...wait, that's not funny. That's not funny at all. Now I'm sad," said I.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the UCSB campus, an Art History grad student is knocking on a locked door during office hours and getting no response. On the other side of the door, head in her hands, Dr. Ann Adams is quietly weeping.

Friday, November 01, 2013


If I found a million dollars, I don't think I'd be any happier than I was in this moment, playing with these little guys.