Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Authentic Basque-Scottish Cuisine

So you're at home and it's around dinner time. Your beloved, hard-working husband is at yet another business function, so you're on your own for this meal. On your kitchen counter, you find only a bruised banana, some sour gumdrops and an Owen Hart collectible card from 1998*. Your prospects are bleak.
Pondering further, you realize that you haven't cooked a meal in weeks. It's been Los Panchos burritos, roasted chicken from the supermarket, or cold cereal for dinner, and it's been that way for a fortnight. No leftovers in the fridge.You throw the doors wide anyway, hoping something will leap out at you. You contemplate the possibilities of Pellegrino and a can of cake frosting, calorically rich to be sure, but not appetizing in the slightest. Luckily it doesn't come to that. Fortune smiles upon you, and you find a packet of frozen organic macaroni and cheese, and three slices of precooked bacon in a plastic bag. Yes! There's a meal in the making! Here's what you do.First, assemble your tools. You'll need a cutting board, a hammer, a pry bar, and a microwave. You'll also want protective earwear, glasses and chemical rated gloves. Gear up for safety!**Next, perforate the plastic film covering the tray of macaroni and cheese. Hold the plastic taught with your less dominant hand, swing back and bring the pry bar down forcefully on the small, frozen block of food, near the center of the tray but close enough to your hand that you can use your fingers to shield the countertop from damage if your aim is off.Microwave the tray of macaroni and cheese for five minutes. This will burn the outside edges of the cheese sauce, while leaving the center pleasantly cold. Pull the tray from the microwave and stir in the delicious, roasted cheese bits. Return food to the microwave and cook on high power for another minute.Your macaroni dish should look something like the one picture above. It's lost most of its creamy texture, and there are hard bits of baked cheddar mixed in with the overcooked noodles.

Next, prepare the bacon bits. The best way to crush bacon is with a 22 oz. framing hammer, but a 16 oz. all-purpose hammer will also work in a pinch. As with the plastic on the macaroni tray, swing back fully and bring the tool down hard on the target. You are bracing yourself for a fully extended strike, so you won't be able to protect the counter with the fleshy part of your hand. Don't worry if your hair gets in the way of your vision. Trust that your aim is true, and bring the hammer down.The crushed bacon should look something like the picture above. If your bacon is in larger pieces, return it to the plastic and hit it a few more times with the hammer.Gently fold the crushed bacon into the macaroni and cheese, one handful at a time. For consistency's sake, the overhand throw is being demonstrated in the above photo.

The final step is to find a beer with a label that coordinates with your dish. The blue background of the Gordon Biersch Blonde Bock complements the colors of both the cheese and the bacon.


* - Owen James Hart, May 7, 1965 - May 23, 1998. Rest in peace, King of Harts.

** - While safety equipment is important, our model was not shown wearing it in the demonstration photos. This was done for the clarity of instructional materials.


knottygnome said...

very classy meal.

you are just too funny.

soapy said...

LOL!! Way to funny! Think tonight is mac & cheese here

cpurl17 said...

Love your kitchen!! And that meal looked pretty good to me...

Libi said...

Absolutely hysterical! My son cooks just like you!

Batty said...

Yum! Can I come over for dinner? : )

And can I just say that I'm jealous of your kitchen? It's gorgeous.

Bezzie said...

I thought I was watching a bacon snuff film there for a second ;-)

I like the way you don the protective gear but then sit right in front of the microwave while it's cooking sans gear!

Classic post!!!!

Karen said...

Thank you for the early morning laugh. :)