Tenacity

"At this point, we probably should...but, you know, let's try one more time." He bent my finger farther, beyond the point where we'd been able to move in in therapy, well beyond the point of excruciating pain, and tried for another grab. "Shoot," he said under his breath. "They never do this. We ought to schedule a time in the O.R. to...maybe one more shot at it?"

I admired his tenacity. As a tenacious sort myself, I willingly went along with his attempts. Well, you can see how well that worked out.


Anyway, all of the pins in my finger have been out for a couple of months now, and it's starting to move a little more freely. I can bend it in so that it doesn't stick out when I make a fist, and I can stretch it almost all the way straight. If I keep it warmed up and limber, it almost feels like a normal finger. I've put a lot of time, attention and effort into it these last few months.


All of that work has taken its toll, and has made me think of things that haven't been getting my time, attention and effort.

The pictures in this post were taken with my phone, not a proper camera. I haven't been making the time to get out the good camera and get the right lighting and composition in my shots. It hasn't mattered much, as I've only been looking at them on my phone, not posting them or sharing them. I've also been relying on my phone too much for email, which means I'm not keeping up there, either. I haven't been writing.

For the first couple of months, my finger was so swollen and sensitive to any kind of jostling that I couldn't do much exercising. While the pin was sticking out of it, I couldn't get it wet. It goes without saying that I couldn't hold a leash and walk Molly and Winston. It's been better than that for a few weeks now, but I haven't gotten back into exercising.

I also haven't been knitting, lately because of my hand, but it's been longer than that since I've made anything that I really loved. I started Pas de Valse back in December, and all that's left are the arms. Just pick up the stitches and knit them down to the wrist, but it's been untouched in my knitting box for at least four months.


It's funny. When I could have been doing all of those things but wasn't, I kept coming up with reasons why they weren't possible. Not enough time, have to clean house, have to keep an eye on the dogs, have to sort through the mail, too tired, too hungry, too much to do to get anything done.

Once I really COULDN'T do all of those things, I found that I really missed them. I thought about why I wasn't doing them back before the accident, and realized that it was just laziness. Oh, I have a lot of handy excuses, like "I don't like where my computer sits", and "I'm too out of shape for anything I knit to look good anyway", but they all come down to that. It's frustrated me all summer, realizing that I'd let so many things slide.

Now that my hand's almost better, I'm trying to refocus on creative things. I've countered "my computer's in a bad position, and the chi's all wrong" by getting a newer, smaller, much more portable laptop. I can sit with it on my lap and type for hours instead of fifteen minutes. I don't believe in poison darts and bad chi, but I know I haven't been good at writing at home since we moved, and I think it has to do with every spot where I can put that big, old laptop. Now I don't have that excuse.

I joined my old gym again and started back with The Amazon last week. My physical therapy sessions have become less about my finger and more about my upper body anyway, so it's like working out three or four times a week again. It feels good.

I still haven't picked the grey sweater out of the box and finished it, but I plan to do so within a few weeks. In an attempt to get back into the swing of knitting, I picked what should have been a quick, gratifying project. That's it up in the first picture, Juliet in Jo Sharp Desert Garden. Of course, I would pick a project and a yarn that would tire out my already compromised hand after one or two rows. I wanted to be it done with it in a week, but it's been more than a month to get that far. Seven more rows until I can bind off the sleeves, but they're taking forever. I keep thinking I should start something else, or just finish the grey sweater, but then I think, "...maybe one more shot at it?"

Damned tenacity.