The Whether

I've done it again. I signed up for another NaBloPoMo month. November's was a bit of a bust, what with my marriage disintegrating, and the three weeks of bone-jarring coughing that came with this year's flu. There were some days that I was too dizzy to raise my head off of the pillow. There were other days where all I could do was wander around my house crying. November was a bad month, is what I'm saying. I'm glad it's over.

March is looking much better. I'm adjusting to the life of a single gal, and I'm getting back to things that I loved, things that I let go because we didn't do them. We didn't have time, or we were too tired, or we had too much that we had to do. Now that it's just me, I get to figure out what I do.

I've joined a running team, and we're training for a half-marathon in May. I've learned that I have to be creative about holding myself accountable. I can talk myself out of anything if I'm the only one who gives a damn. I just talk myself into not giving a damn. I almost did it last week, when the alarm went off before dawn on Saturday morning. Knowing that my team would be at the trail head at 7:45, I hauled myself out of my warm, comfortable bed and put on my running clothes. I couldn't let my new friends down. The half-marathon benefits the American Heart Association, so I have sponsors who are expecting me to run this thing. I can't let them down, either. Finally, to make sure I stayed on track with the training, I signed up and paid for three additional races. That's my money, precious and in short supply now that my household income has been cut by 2/3rds. I can't let myself down by wasting it.

We're here and you're reading this because I've also committed to writing again. I read about A-to-Z April on another blog a couple of days ago, and signed up for it. Right after that, I got the email from NaBloPoMo. Giving myself a challenging goal rather than easing into things seemed to have fired me up for running, so I figured it'd work for writing, too. Back-to-back blogging months it is, then.

March's theme is 'Whether'. I have a lot of 'whether' in my life right now. I wonder whether I'm going to be O.K. or not, whether I'm making the right moves and the right choices for myself. I think about whether I want to plant a garden or save time and buy all of my produce from people who grow it for a living. I debate whether I want to put ale or lager in my keg fridge. I wonder whether I'm going to be strong enough to do the things I want and need to do.

There are many uncertainties, many possibilities. It's exciting. This is going to be an exciting month, whether I'm ready for it or not.