Monday, September 11, 2006

Look at me! Knitting!

After Bristow, I needed a project that was fast and mindless, but ultimately rewarding. When I saw this sleeveless cowl shell in the Patternworks catalog, I knew I had to have it, in the yarn pictured, in the color pictured. I wasn't counting on it looking like pickle relish. It's not easy to work with, what with the slubbies and the almost complete lack of elasticity and all, but I like it anyway. It's coming along quickly. I might have the whole thing done by the weekend.


I promise I'm not trying to knit a muppet, and no acrylic frogs were injured in the making of this pullover.

Ermmm...Suzanne? Speaking of muppets, don't you think it's time you let me in on the action around here? Not 'coz I'm a muppet, but you know. The whole 'filled with all new materials' business makes me and Fozzy kinda like cousins. -- Belligero

Oh, dammit! I forgot about Belligero the Clown. He's been popping up around here for weeks, and I haven't properly introduced him. He's our traveling companion, going everywhere we go when we travel more than a few miles from our house. It's a long story, and you know what? Tonight's not the night for it. Sorry, Clown.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Celebrity

We've all had our brushes with celebrity. I met David Doyle, Bosley from 'Charlie's Angels', while I was working at Golden Corral Family Steakhouse. I was too shy to ask for his autograph, and when I went home and told my mom, she drove me right back there and made me ask him to sign a napkin for me. I don't know where the napkin is today. Accountant Boy met Perry King from 'Riptide' while bagging groceries at BelAir market. You know the guy who plays that guy in 'Ghostbusters II' and 'Wayne's World'? Yeah, I know that guy's dad. My dad plays golf with him. These types of encounters are so commonplace that we've become jaded. We live in California, after all.

But nothing could have prepared me for Las Vegas. You'll never guess who I met in Las Vegas.

O.K., I can't be sure, because I didn't know if it was polite to ask, but I think, I think that this is Kahless the Unforgettable, uniter of the Klingons and their first emperor. Sure, I'd had a few too many sips of the Warp Core Breach at Quark's Bar. Sure, I have a hard time telling the Klingons apart, if you'll forgive me for sounding racist by saying so. But I'm pretty sure this was Kahless, and not the clone.

"I'm gonna go ask for him to take a picture with Belligero the Clown."

"You're what?"

"Look, now that the Andorian's gone to the restroom, I've got a clear shot at him."

"The what went where? Are you drunk???"

"It'll be funny and we'll never forget it for as long as we live and we'll look at the picture and laugh and laugh. Don't bogart the rest of m'drink, 'kay?"

I walked up and asked him if he'd mind my taking his picture, and he said only if I was in the picture, too. He let me grab his bat'leth. I let him make bad double entendres about Jeffries tubes. It was a fair exchange.

Accountant Boy was concerned when I returned to the table. "Did he make a grab for the gals?"

"He's a Klingon, baby, not friggin' Riker chattin' up an Orion slave girl."

"Obviously he's not Riker, 'cause Riker would have tried to slip you the tongue, and I would have had to throw down. Hey, how do you know all of the names of the aliens?" He squinted at me, the realization finally coming to him. "You're a Trekkie? I married a Trekkie? I feel so betrayed and filthy!"

"We'd better get 'nother one of these smokin' drinks..."

Accountant Boy had his own brush with fame. See the guy just to the left of him? No, that's Belligero. Left of Belligero. No, that's a Miller Lite cup. Left of the...yeah, that guy. I think he came in fourth at the Tropicana's pool party belly flop contest. Fourth place! He's practically a superstar. And we were mere feet from him. I'm all tingly just remembering it. A.B. and I often bemoan the loss of cheap, entertaining Vegas. It's all become so commercial and vast. My friends, the cheap entertainment isn't gone. For two bucks a beer, you can sit in a rickety lounge chair by the pool at the Trop and laugh your pants off. Literally, apparently.


Wait a moment, the Woman. Put in the snapshot of me and my old chums Frank and Joey. Oh, we had such good times, chatting and playing baccarat... -- Buddy the Cat

Buddy? Too far, guy. Too far. Our famous encounters were both true. You were never at Yalta.

...as far as you know. -- BtC

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Why I Love Accountant Boy

I'm having a rough night with the computers. None of the music services will work with my MP3 player, Rhapsody keeps signing me out and trying to update itself, and all I wanted to do was add some songs so that I can have something to look forward to at the gym.

I spent two hours trying to get everything working, and I got so mad that I was almost crying. Buddy the Cat kept pawing me and meowing. "Buddy?! What the hell, guy? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!" In response, I received "Mrrrow?", and then a paw to the back of my head. Frustrated, I stormed off into the office.

A few minutes later, I heard the opening strains of Corey Hart's 'Never Surrender' playing on the television.

"Hey. C'mere."

"Why?"

"Just come out here for a second."

I walked out, and right into his arms. He proceded to middle-school slow dance with me through the whole song. Step to left, step to right, repeat. Toward the end of the song, he made a grab for my ass, just like an eighth-grader would. I laughed through the whole thing.

"You looked like you needed a break."

I love Accountant Boy.

Tools

We own a house. We own a 53-year-old house. We need a lot of tools.

When we moved into this house, way back in 1999, we had a handful of tools. We had a little hammer that unscrewed at the base to reveal a tiny screwdriver set hidden in the handle. We had a socket set in the back of Accountant Boy's Honda, and we might have had some Elmer's glue. Not too sure about the glue.

We now have a 5 1/2' tall toolchest full of screwdrivers, wrenches, saws, pliers, tape measures, levels, hammers and mallets, a Dremel set and a drawer full of utility knives. I know what's in there, because I'm a big dork, so I labeled every drawer. Ironically, the label maker doesn't fit in a drawer, so it's thrown into the top bin of the chest, which is where we throw all of the uncategorized tools.

The shelf unit holds all of our glues, solvents, oils, paint strippers, wallboard joint compound and tape, light bulbs, batteries, our safety equipment, a circular saw, a jig saw, an orbiting sander, a corded drill, a cordless drill, a pipe snake, a caulking gun, the 'big box o' plumbing' and a couple of extension cords.

There's stuff on there that I can't identify. I don't know when we ever used it. For example, what did we ever do with this stuff? It's been on the shelf for probably six years. I didn't buy it, and I don't remember either of us ever using it. I asked Accountant Boy, and he doesn't remember it, either.

"Then how did it get there? Magic garage elves? 'Heeheeheeee! They'll never know if it's cool to throw this shit away!' Friggin' garage elves..."

"I think someone's been spending too much time out there. Why don't you throw that stuff out and come inside."

"Nah. I'm kinda scared to toss it. What if we need it again?"

"We'll buy more."

"Why would we do that when we have already have a jar of it. Right. Here."

That sums up the tool situation right there. We don't know where half of it came from, and we use half of what we do know about.

I do have favorites, though. Putting aside my obvious love of the hammer and prybar, this is my favorite tool. It's an ergonomic paintbrush, designed to fit the contours of a right-handed painter's palm. I bought it to paint my parents' living room, and it somehow made its way back to Concord with me. Imagine that.

Coming in a close second are these shoes. They're not supposed to be work shoes, but I've worn them on every big job we've undertaken on the house. They're Doc Martens, and they weigh about four pounds each. I wear them to stomp debris down into the bed of the work truck. I wear them to Home Depot and prop sheets of wallboard up off the ground across the toes. I don't wear them if I'm climbing a ladder, because they're not the least bit flexible. They're my heavy work shoes. No matter how much grime and muck and clay I cake onto them, they still polish to a nice shine, and I can still wear them to almost any casual event. I've had them for ten years, and they're not showing any signs of wear. They make me feel tall, yet steady on my feet. You know, maybe they ARE my favorite tools.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Bristow, Lucy, the Lorikeet and I

When we moved into our little house, we didn't know that the family across the street kept livestock. Chickens, specifically. We didn't learn about it until we woke up on that first morning in our new bedroom. "Err-err-Err-errrr-ERRRRRRR!" Their neighbors on the other side of the street said, "Oh, that's Claudio's rooster. He's got hens, too. They use the eggs, and they've got kind of a big family, so we don't hassle them about it." We wanted to be good neighbors, so we decided we wouldn't hassle them either, even though it's not legal to keep fowl within city limits. We watched with interest as the chicks grew, and when they broke free to wander the neighborhood, we tried to herd them away from the yard with the German Shepherds.

We got used to the sound of the rooster, and at some point he stopped crowing. I don't know. Maybe they ate him. Autumn was quiet. The next April, we heard more crowing. This time it was two distinct roosters, one with the traditional crow, one with a stuttering call that seemed to strangle off at the end. "Err-err-err-EEERRRR-err-err-err-ERRRRGRGRGggggg." His call always followed the younger, stronger rooster's, like he was trying to compete with the upstart bird. I laughed about it every time I noticed it. Summer passed, then both roosters fell silent, for whatever reason, before Halloween. This pattern, roosters in April, quiet by November, happened for many years.

This year, no rooster. You know what we do hear? The ungodly calls of some creature that I cannot positively identify. I pull into my driveway every evening and step out of my car, and I'm immediately confronted with the sound of a troop of rhesus monkeys being attacked by a murder of crows intent on plucking out their shiny monkey eyes. At least that's what I imagine is happening when I hear the cacophony coming from across the street. You can hear the horrible screeching throughout the neighborhood. "What the f*&k is that thing, anyway?" I say every time I hear it.

A few months ago, a beautiful, multicolored bird landed on the telephone wire that runs past my bedroom window and stayed there for several minutes. I think it was a lorikeet, and further, I think it's now kept in an outdoor aviary over at Claudio's. It looked like a lorikeet, and I don't care if it's actually a conure or a parakeet, because I like typing and saying and reading 'lorikeet', and I have to find something to like about the damned thing, since it's apparently not going the proverbial 'way of the roosters' any time soon, and it's showing no trend toward shutting the hell up.

At least I hope it's a lorikeet. I hope to God he doesn't actually have a cage full of terrified, enraged monkeys in his back yard.

The look on my face in the picture above? "No, seriously...what the F&*K is that thing???"

I finished Bristow, by the way. I'd almost forgotten why I went outside to take that picture, what with all of the excitement over the Cries of the Lorikeet and, I kid you not, neighborhood children playing 'Three Blind Mice' on their recorders while marching around their yard. Loudly. Badly. Repeatedly. As children do. It was a fun afternoon in the garden.

So, more than six months after starting it, I'm done with Bristow. It took me that long because I was absolutely intolerant of any mistakes. Working with the first yarn I ever purchased, in a smooth, light color that would show every imperfection, I just couldn't let little things go. If I got an increase wrong five rows before noticing it, I'd unknit the five rows and fix it. No frogging back for me, no way. Unknit every stitch so that I'd be sure I didn't drop or twist any of them.

I knit the small, and it's almost the perfect size. It's a tiny bit big, but my gauge runs just slightly larger than it should, so I'd expect it to be a little wide. I knew the arms were going to be roomy and a little bit long, but I knit to the pattern anyway. I've got this weird idea that if I dampen just the arms and throw the whole thing in the drier, I might be able to shrink them up a little bit. Then it'll be absolutely perfect.

Here's a detailed shot of the front and the edge of one of the sleeves. I loved knitting this sweater, and I feel like I've learned a lot about finishing, and reading my stitches as a result of making it. My finishing was always sort of haphazard at best. I'd thread ends through stitches all willy-nilly, totally obvious and lumpy. With this one, I learned to weave in ends as duplicate stitches, and more importantly, I started to understand why that works, how the yarn moves through the fabric, if that makes any sense. It took three tries, but I finally got the sleeves set in so that they look GOOD, not just lashed onto the body. I haven't been the best at that in the past, but now I feel like I know how to do it well. Bristow was important enough to me that I wanted it to be right.

I even took the yarn with me to Stitches this year and bought just the right buttons for it. These are from Moving Mud. I can't get a great picture of them, but they're beautiful when the light hits them.

This is a great pattern, everything very well thought out. Once I got the hang of the cable pattern, I found it easy and fun to work. I actually think I got it wrong, on the arms, but if so, then I was consistent over both of them. The diamonds are one purl too wide, which means my cables on the arms are a little different there than on the body.

Would I knit this again? Definitely. I had a blast knitting it, and I love the finished product. I'd knit it in a yarn that didn't have so much sentimental value so that it wouldn't take another six months to complete.

Would I recommend that other people knit it? Absolutely. It's a great introduction to aran knitting, because it's not so complicated that you'd feel hopelessly lost if you forgot your place in the chart. I know a lot of people on the Knittyboard are debating this one, after overlooking it when it was first published. Knit it. It's a beautiful sweater, and I imagine it would be flattering on almost everyone.

But Suzanne? You said I could be in the picture because I'm sitting like a good dog and waiting for you to blow the ants off of my bone, and you said I was a pretty girl. Don't I get to be in the picture? -- Lucy the Dog

What of me, the Woman? Let me outside. I also want to be in the picture. You can call it "Buddy Hunts the Rogue Lorikeet". Two words, the Woman. "National". "Geographic". The dog can be my pack ox. -- Buddy the Cat

Good girl, Lucy. No dice, Buddy. Friggin' ants. Hey, Claudio?!? What the f*&k is that thing???